You Are the Village

We’ve all heard it. 

It takes a village to raise a child.

And when parents and caregivers are overwhelmed, isolated, or exhausted, we often offer a version of the same advice:

Find your village.

It sounds supportive, and it can be. Community matters enormously.

But there’s something strange about telling someone who’s already carrying too much that they also need to go out and build the support system that will make carrying it possible.

Find the people. Make the plans. Ask for help. Coordinate schedules. Maintain the relationships. Figure out who’s available, who’s trustworthy, and what everyone can do.

Why is the solution more labor from the person already carrying so much of the labor?

Maybe we need to stop telling people to find a village.

Maybe we need to be the village.

That changes the question.

Instead of asking, Do they have enough support? we might ask, What support are we providing?

Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” we might pay enough attention to notice something that needs doing.

This doesn’t mean guessing what another person needs or swooping in without consent. Being cared for doesn’t mean losing agency, it means the responsibility for care doesn’t rest entirely with the person who needs it.

And the village is bigger than a partner or immediate family.

It’s the friend who keeps showing up after the first few weeks, when the initial excitement around a growing family has faded and the work hasn’t.

It’s a workplace that doesn’t treat welcoming a child into a family as a brief interruption before someone returns unchanged.

It’s healthcare and other support systems that continue caring for parents and caregivers rather than focusing only on the child.

It’s family and community members who understand that spending time with a child and supporting the person caring for that child aren’t necessarily the same thing.

It’s also recognizing that not everyone begins with the same access to a village. The circumstances of our lives shape what support is available, who gets offered it, and how safe it feels to ask.

We tend to talk about support as though it’s something an individual either has or hasn’t successfully cultivated.

But support is relational.

Someone has to provide it.

And maybe that’s where the idea of the village needs to shift.

A village isn’t something a parent or caregiver is supposed to assemble around themselves so they can become better at handling an unreasonable amount alone.

A village is a community that understands care as a shared responsibility.

That doesn’t require everyone to do everything, it requires more of us to notice that we’re part of the equation.

So maybe the next time we see someone struggling, the question isn’t:

Where’s their village?

Maybe it’s:

How can I be part of it?